Why Manifesting Is A Load Of Shit And How To Really Get What You Want From Life.

I used to think that manifesting was a load of wank. Some hippy woo-woo nonsense that some con-artists packaged up like a magic pill and sold to people who didn’t want to take charge of their own lives.  And I still believe this to some extent.

Manifested” a car park right outside the take-away Chinese? It’s called luck mate.

  “No way! I was just thinking about you!”

“No way! I was just thinking about you!”

Talking about a friend just as she calls your mobile? Coincidence hun!

Found the man of your dreams the day after you deleted your Tinder account? It’s because you stopped acting like a mental, desperate man-eating lunatic.

  This was legit me three years ago, hating my waitressing job.    And my life.    (And I clearly couldn’t afford a hair cut - never cut your own fringe again Em!)

This was legit me three years ago, hating my waitressing job.

And my life.

(And I clearly couldn’t afford a hair cut - never cut your own fringe again Em!)

The reason for my cynicism is founded.

I was 32 and waiting tables for a living when I first heard about this concept of manifestation. I was pretty depressed with how my life had turned out and with nothing to lose, I thought I’d give manifesting a bash.

So I started wishing I wasn’t thousands of $$ in debt.

I sat at home thinking about the Brad Pitt body double who was going to make me feel less lonely.

And I fanaticised about walking into the restaurant where I worked and telling my boss to shove his job up his arse because just like Rachel from friends, I’d glided into a high powered, high profile job in fashhhhon with zero experience and fabulous hair.

Funnily enough, none of this happened. And so I bagged out manifestation to anyone who’d listen (which wasn’t many people because I really wasn’t worth listening to at the time, unless of course you wanted to be bummed out).

A couple of years later, with the dawning realisation that no one was going to come and rescue my sorry arse, I gave myself a huge dose of responsibility and got my shit together which saw me drastically change my mindset and my daily habits and start my own business, but I still had a bitter taste in my mouth when it came to the concept of manifestation. I had been sold a quick fix that didn’t work and I was pissed about it.

Then about 18 months ago, I began to notice more and more that I was being presented with the people, experiences, circumstances and opportunities which were propelling me even more to the future I desired.

So I upped my game.

And started aiming higher.

And asking for more.

And even more shit fell into place.

It was weird.

And that’s when I began to open my mind again to the idea of manifestation except this time, I had changed.

I was no longer looking for the quick easy way out, I was willing to do the work.

I wasn’t blaming others for my results, I was taking full responsibility for myself, basically, I wasn’t a little brat anymore.

And this time, everything was different.

But it wasn’t easy.

Sure my dreams became reality, I was smashing business goals left right and centre and life became less of a struggle – but not every day because I’m a bloody human and life is undeniably fucking hard – manifestation doesn’t protect you from heartbreak or death & grief or business failure – all things I faced last year alone.

Yes I ‘called in’ more money – but not because I wrote a number down on a piece of sodding paper twice a day and chanted to the bloody moon.

Yes I now have a life full of travel, freedom, connection, love, success, purpose and sure on days it really does feel like magic but it’s not and I’m not content to assume or pretend like it is.

You see I’m a creature of science.

I wanna know how.

And why.

I want proof and structure.

And I want the real system to deliver real results for people living in the real world.

So when pieces started falling into place (when I saw proof that on some level, I was actually manifesting my desires) I went to work to find out how and today, assuming you’re not a little brat (unlikely if you’re reading this), I’m going to share with you my 5 Step Manifesting Process For Realists. This process is at the heart of everything I teach my clients and is responsible for the life changing results they achieve by working with me.

Step One

The first step sounds simple because it is. Set a clear intention.

You’ve gotta be clear on what you want and start languageing what you want.

In order for things to change you have to see them as you want them to be rather than continuing to observe them as they are.
— Abraham Hicks

Back in the day when I first tried my hand at manifestation all I could do was tell you what I didn’t want. I didn’t want debt, didn’t want to be lonely, didn’t want to be a waitress. The problem with concentrating on what you don’t want is that all you’ll focus on (and so attract) is more of the same.

Let me put it like this.

Don’t think about debt.

Now, what are you thinking about?

Is it, by any chance, debt?

Here’s the thing, when I ask you not to think about debt and you think about debt, you’ll feel the feelings associated with debt, like panic and scarcity and lack.

Now, this is important because the universe doesn’t really give a shit about what you say, but it understands how you feel.

Sciency bit coming up!

We’re all balls of vibration.

Every atom of our being is vibrating at a certain frequency and we can see this with our own eyes under a powerful enough microscope. Our feelings (amongst other things) will change the frequency at which we vibrate. So feelings of fear like lack, shame, apathy and anger are low vibrations and feelings of love like abundance, acceptance, joy and peace are high vibrations. Science also proves that like frequencies attract like frequencies; if you are vibing low in fear you’ll attract other people, experiences, circumstances and ops which match that fear. And it’s more than this, you’ll also ACT from those emotions.

For example, if you’re vibing at emotions of love, you’re more likely to take chances, show up with confidence and take responsibility and these two things (what you attract and how you act) will ultimately manifest as your reality.

Step 2

As much as possible, you want to be feeling today, how you want to feel as a result of your intention manifesting.

How do we do this?

Well, we remember step one and stop focusing on things like scarcity and loneliness. Instead we look for the areas in our lives where we’re abundant and connected and we focus on that. Short story, be fucking grateful.

Step 3

Step number 3 is in my mind, the most important and it’s often the one that lots of coaches don’t really talk about much because it’s the bit lots of people don’t want to do.

But I’m not most coaches.

So here it is.

You’ve got to take massive fucking action. Daily.

You cannot sit on your arse like the film The Secret would have you believe and just think happy thoughts and expect your dream life to rock up at your front door like a mother fucking eBay package.

If I could make that happen for you I’d be richer than Oprah.

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You have to take the action first, the universe will follow but unless you’re willing to change what you’re doing, life will stay the same. And if you don’t wanna hear it from this coach, hear it from this one!

The path to success is to take massive determined actions
— Tony Robbins

Now lots of people are too wrapped up in their own fear or their own self-doubt to take the action they really need to, fuck I know I was and even now I still have days when I shit myself at the things I need to do to make my dreams a reality.

Step 4

And this is where step 4 comes in.

You gotta release something.

It might be the crappy belief you have that you don’t deserve love. Or that making money is hard.

It could be a fear that you’ll be rejected, or you’ll try something and it won’t work out. It could be a behaviour you need to release, like sitting on the sofa watching crap on TV or spending money on frivolous things instead of your own personal development.

Honestly, it’s actually all three of those things.

Beliefs, fears, behaviours – they make up your reality and they’re what need to change for you to manifest the life of your dreams.

Step 5

The fifth and final step is to surrender.

Again this step is so often overlooked by mainstream practitioners because people like to offer quick easy fixes and this steps means you have to relinquish the need to have things now.

Also referred to as the universal law of detachment by those who are really in the know, it basically means you can’t get too worked up about how or when your intention or desire will come to you.

Why?

Well the universe is a funny little fucker, and often gives us what we need over what we want.

Again, why?

So we can become the person we need to be to have what we want to have. And this can take time and it means our intentions and desires come in ways we wouldn’t expect. If we have our blinkers on and get impatient, we’ll miss the lessons and the opportunities that the universe provides.

This step is the difference between hope and faith.

Hope is wanting something to happen.

Faith is knowing it will.

And this is a practice, it involves doing the work on yourself, your mindset and learning more about the 5 steps I’ve just shared.


You see, manifesting isn’t as most people would have you believe – it’s not a magic fairy-fucking Godmother or pumpkins at midnight.

It is faith, and working through your shit, changing your crappy habits and overhauling your thinking to co create with the universe. And part of co creating means learning how to manage the tougher bits of life.

The magic comes on the other side for sure and it’s always totally worth it.

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If you’d like to learn more about this real, proven process from someone who doesn’t sugar coat but speaks from experience and truth, then jump on board a free 5 day course I’m running starting Monday 24th October 2018.

Will it give you everything you’ll ever ever ever need? Nope.

Will it give you a phenomenal foundation, the spark of faith, some tangibles to get you vibing high, an amazing supportive community and a whole heap of laughs? Absolutely.

And what have you got to lose? It’s free!

15 minutes of your time for 5 days to get you on your way to changing your life.

Join That Crazy Thing Called Life here!

If I can do it, anyone can.

I look forward to seeing you in the group. (And if you’re reading this after September 24th 2018, join anyway - a phenomenal community of legends is growing there by the day and we look forward to welcoming you - congratulations, you’ve found your tribe.)

As for this blog, please comment - let me know what you loved and what you want to hear more about.

I love you to share it on your social media and with any mates who would benefit from reading - sharing the love is the quickest way to manifest more.

Thank you very much for reading,

Em x

This Is Why Being Single Isn't Completely Shit, Actually.

It’s a Saturday night and I’m at a party. Albeit, my Dad’s. It is the social highlight of my European summer and I say that without a hint of my trademark sarcasm.

Yep I’m 37, single and rocking out in the back garden of my family home where over a hundred of my Dad’s friends (the fact that my own Father has more mates than me both disturbs and delights me in equal measure) have been invited to enjoy an afternoon of homemade scones (because, BRITISH) and an evening hog roast (quiche and one raised eyebrow for the only vegetarian in the room).

As a parade of guest’s meander through the party, my sisters and I find ourselves air kissing and making small talk with a variety of people we haven’t seen for a variety of years.

We check in regularly to help each other out with names long forgotten.

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  JOKES JOKES JOKES. THE DOG DID NOT SHIT IN THE GARDEN! IT’S JUST BANTER PEOPLE!

JOKES JOKES JOKES. THE DOG DID NOT SHIT IN THE GARDEN! IT’S JUST BANTER PEOPLE!

“What’s that guy’s name again?”

“Which one?”

“The one with grey hair and a blue jacket”

“Well there are three men matching that description by the hydrangea, two by the meditating frog from B&Q and one stood dangerously close to where I suspect the dog took a shit this morning. And I don’t know any of their names.”

“Great, thanks!”

  NOTE THE PINK HYDRANGEA IN THE FOREGROUND. IT SHOULD ALSO BE NOTED THAT THESE LOVELY GENTLEMEN HAVE NO IDEA THAT THE BACK OF THEIR HEADS FEATURE IN MY BLOG. I TRUST THEY’D BE PLEASED - GOOD SPORTS!

NOTE THE PINK HYDRANGEA IN THE FOREGROUND. IT SHOULD ALSO BE NOTED THAT THESE LOVELY GENTLEMEN HAVE NO IDEA THAT THE BACK OF THEIR HEADS FEATURE IN MY BLOG. I TRUST THEY’D BE PLEASED - GOOD SPORTS!

We make regular eye contact with whichever sister is caught listening to a lengthy, boring tale from Uncle Scott (not a real uncle –just a long standing family friend which for some reasons qualifies him for the title) both to show solidarity and to communicate “haha unlucky sucker!”

We make sure that Lisa who runs One Stop (the village shop) has a jacket to fight the evening chill as the sun sets and as the fairy lights come on we high five each other for the demographically appropriate playlist (all credit goes to my sister Jen for that one).

But the only one of us who suffered condolences throughout the whole party, was me.

Why? Because I, unlike my sisters, am…

Single.

37.

And single.

And get this. With no kids.

And this kinda freaks some people out.

You see, being at a party full of people you haven’t seen for anything from one to 20 years inevitably means answering the question many single people dread. “And are you seeing anyone special?”

Now this is a perfectly harmless and normal question to ask.

Natural one might say.

But when I answer

“no, I’m single”

some kind of fear is released.


Auntie Joan (not a real Auntie) doesn’t get it.

Single?

How can this be?

Her bottom lip uncontrollably begins to droop; bent with the heaviness of sympathy I didn’t ask for or need. A gentle pat on my shoulder communicates that she sees it must be tough “at my age” and a patronising shake of the head lets me know she’s in disbelief at my “bad luck”.

I resist the urge to shove a raisin scone up her arse (credit to my sister Laura for the fruit scones) and I walk away.

  NOT AN ACTUAL PICTURE OF MY SISTERS SCONES. LET’S SEE IF SHE REALLY READS MY BLOG. YOURS DIDN’T LOOK AS GOOD AS THIS LAURA…

NOT AN ACTUAL PICTURE OF MY SISTERS SCONES. LET’S SEE IF SHE REALLY READS MY BLOG. YOURS DIDN’T LOOK AS GOOD AS THIS LAURA…

Of course, she comes from a place of love.

I get it.

And had she not been the fourth person to react to my ‘tragic’ news in this way it might not have irritated me quite so much.

The truth is, most of the time I really enjoy being single. And as with everything in my life, it is my CHOICE to live in the benefits of what I have rather than sit in the pain of what I don’t.

So if you are struggling with some of the ‘curses’ of being single, listen up as I share 7 realities of single life – and how they can be awesome if you just choose to look at them a different way.


1. Always getting the shit bed at family gatherings where too many people are saying overnight in one house.

Don’t be bitter about this. Get the fuck over it. It just makes sense.  Why should two souls suffer the click-click bed in the dining room underneath the tick-tock of the spooky Grandfather clock when it could just be me. I get my entire king sized bed all to myself every other night of the year so you gotta ask yourself who’s really winning here.

2. Never having a plus one at a wedding where you don’t know many people and those you do know you don’t see very often.

Sure it’s nice to have a plus one in this potentially awkward social situation. But not when your plus one gets drunk and makes a proper twat out of himself in front of your old Uni mates. Dude, that’s my job!

3.  Being sick without having someone close-by to reassure you that you won’t die from one too many Strepsils.

As I write this, I am coming out of a bout of some kind of flu/laryngitis/body-fail illness. And I will concede that being single and sick felt shit. But once the fever broke and it turned out I hadn’t od’ed on lozenges, I was pretty pleased that no sexual partner had to see what dragged itself from my bed – some things can’t be unseen.

4. Moving everything you own from one building to another building because your housemate shacked up with her boyfriend.

Also something I am currently in the throes of. Moving house is yet again one of those things you think would be easier as a couple than alone. But aside from lugging boxes (it’s a workout girl!) I’m kind of enjoying the process of making my own decisions about where and how I’m going to live. I don’t need to think about a garage for his pimped out car or a garden for his dick of a cat or a shelf for the fucking PlayStation. I once lived with a guy who had the shittest artwork and I looked at it every day for 2 years before we broke up. 2 years!

  YOU SHOULD TOTALLY FOLLOW ME ON INSTA.    emily_thatcrazythingcalledlife

YOU SHOULD TOTALLY FOLLOW ME ON INSTA. emily_thatcrazythingcalledlife

5. Being childless (or maybe you have kids and this doesn’t really apply to you).

I still get sat at the kids table at Christmas. A bit like bed-gate (see point 1) this just makes the most logistical sense (I’m the smallest and the youngest of my familial generation. Oh, and of course, I’m single). But instead of feeling like the family leper, I choose to relish the fact that I am childless and therefore way more fun than any other grown up in the eyes my nieces and nephews. I feed them sugar. And then give them back.

6. Travelling alone.

It sounds scary. And it is. But I get to go wherever I choose, whenever I choose. And along the way I meet people and have conversations and learn things and do things beyond my wildest dreams. Yes, trying to get that middle bit of your back with sun cream can be one of the world’s most frustrating things but it’s not as annoying as rubbing sun cream into the back of someone who has forced you to spend your annual leave digging for a lesser known worm off the north coast of Wales.

7. Being alone.

It is the greatest gift, to learn to be alone. To face this world with curiosity and learn where my values really lie without mistaking another’s for my own. I’ve done that before. And it didn’t feel good. Being alone has taught me the power of my own voice, the value of friendship and the strength of my soul. It has taught me hear differently in the silence, to feel my courage and to see my worth.


And so Auntie (still not an Auntie) Joan, your sympathy is a reflection of your fear. Not mine. And whether my next relationship comes along tomorrow, or next year or in ten; whether that relationship lasts for a short time, or a long time or for the rest of my time; my life will always be wonderful. Because I am not afraid of being alone.

 

If you like the way I think, you’ll love the way I do life. It’s messy and scrappy and far from perfect and totally sassy. But three years ago, I was a broke waitress and didn’t think this way at all. Life was far from wonderful and I was full of fear. If you’d like to know how I changed my mindset and so changed my reality (full disclosure, I have a pretty fucking awesome life now) then jump on board and join my totally FREE Facebook group That Crazy Thing Called Life where I regularly run FREE short courses showing you the exact steps I took to transform my life so that you can start living the life of your dreams too!

As for this blog, I’d LOVE to know what you think so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE leave a comment and even better, share it with a friend. Single or not, I trust this blog serves as a gentle reminder that if you look at the positive side of life, life looks more positive.

For weekly blogs about love, life and business straight to your inbox, CLICK HERE. And if you loved this blog, check out this VLOG “Unlucky In Love?” and do me a solid favour and SUBSCRIBE if you love it.

Thanks very much for reading,

Em x

How A Tray Almost Ruined My Holiday

Now, I’m not one to take life advice from a tray (although can we take a moment to appreciate how pretty I made it look with a baguette and flowers and shit).

In fact, these sorts of cutesy quotes on household objects usually shit me so it was with a snarl in my stare that I first noticed this tray in the kitchen of the house in France my family and I holidayed in last week.

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It was the first thing that caught my attention as my sisters and I explored the old house we would call home for a week. As all good women should (sarcasm) we gravitated to the kitchen and as one of my sisters exclaimed at the utilities (I just can’t get that excited about the presence of a dishwasher) and the other at the décor (to be fair, great floor tiles) my eyes were immediately drawn to ‘motivation’ tray, propped up and proudly displayed on the 1970’s work surface which cared little for the century old building in which it stood in all its vinyl glory – the house had undergone an unsympathetic refurbishment which strangely carried its own charm.

But the tray didn’t offend me because it looked like it belonged in a Cath Kidston catalogue instead of the confused kitchen that time forgot, then remembered, and then forgot again. No, it offended me because it triggered a fear deep inside.

Am I enough. Am I doing enough?

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The moment I saw that tray, I took it’s words as any egocentric, scrappy, messed up, sassy overachiever would – the tray was quite clearly reminding me that every other coach, blogger, keynote speaker and possibly just about every other human on the planet, were busy changing the world while I was busy losing the pool inflatable race, coming in a limp last with the blow up Toucan while my five year old niece, too young to swim unaided sailed past me on a doughnut ring, noting out loud that

Aunty Emily’s not very good at this” before deciding she couldn’t bear the humiliation of coming last but one and disqualifying herself from the race because she was wearing armbands. Interesting move, Kid!

Yep, I fucking hated that tray at first sight and for the first 48 hours, I let it follow me around France. I could hear it whispering smugly ~

Today isn’t just another day. Today I’ll create something wonderful
— The Fucking Tray esq.

It’s words mocking me with a judgment I knew came from within. It set off the voices of self-doubt and self-loathing in my head which sounded a little like “you’re not doing enough” and “you don’t deserve success” and “what are you doing today, loser?” and my personal favourite, “the entire world judges you and your hair looks shit.”

 

In my fear based brain, EVERY other person was spending the week creating something wonderful like a blog series on how to live your best life (weekly blogs in your inbox? Yes please! Grab your valuable series here), and making videos for their epic YouTube channel (do I have a hilarious channel full of short, highly valuable videos to help you in business and love? Am I shamelessly going to ask you to subscribe to it? Hell yes! Click here!), and writing New York Times bestselling books (it’s coming) and making millions of dollars (also coming) and being booked on Oprah (when the fuck is that coming?) and meeting the Queen (meh) while I was dragging small children around chateaux’s and justifying how much bread I was consuming (Goddamn the French can bake a baguette).

Aunty Emily jump in the pool with me

I didn’t want to jump in the fucking pool. I wanted to take that tray and smash it apart with the meat tenderiser my brother-in-law deemed “handy to have” before correctly predicting “but we’ll never use it”.

 

Now, believe it or not, I am a great life coach. And one of the reasons my clients get such great, sustainable results is because I am “Unashamedly Human” (join my FREE Facebook Group here for FREE courses).

I get it. I understand how hard being human is sometimes and I am open and honest about my own fears and hardships. I don’t claim to be perfect or have all my shit together (because news flash, no one does) and so I can relate. Any problem my clients have are problems I have also worked through and on the back of a conversation with my sisters (which went something along the lines of “shut the fuck up Em, it’s a frigging tray, you utter mentalist. Relax and enjoy your holiday and do that weird mindset magic you do for your clients, on yourself.”) I decided to do just that – work through what Fear was causing me to feel ridiculed by a sodding tray (maybe my sister was right, maybe I am mental!).

 

So I went through a process that I teach my clients and this is where I ended up (perfectly summed up simply by my soon-to-be mate Oprah).

You don’t have to do what everyone else is doing
— Oprah

I had spent 48 hours worrying about what I wasn’t doing instead of being present with what I was doing.

The truth is, there is always going to be someone ahead of you in the race. Someone will always have a better inflatable, or have a stronger swimming stroke.

At times in this life it will feel like others are sailing past you on the wings of a smug blow up swan while you’re paddling just to keep your fucking head above water with a deranged punctured Toucan cramping your style.

But in reality, the only race we’re really in is with ourselves. If we get too wound up in the progress of others, we get distracted, disheartened and at worst we find excuses to disqualify ourselves, just like my niece did (I will always need armbands of some metaphorical description to keep me afloat and in my own race. I make peace with that).

Mmm, this way of looking at things felt better.

Comparison is the thief of joy
— Theodore Roosevelt

Sometime after my revelation, I found myself again in the kitchen “you get the ice creams Aunty Em because you let us have the good ones” and again, my eye was pulled to the tray.

But now it meant something else. Same words. Different meaning.

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Today isn’t just another day. It’s all we have.

Today I’ll create something wonderful. And that doesn’t need to be a program or a book or a number of followers.

Fuck it, I was creating the most precious of things – Stories. And family in-jokes. And memories. What is more wonderful than that?

Right now, I can close my eyes and instantly recall the sound of my nieces and nephew’s laughter, obliterating the perfect silence of a French summer evening in one piercing, shrill note.

In my mind I can still see the shells my niece painted and sold to me for a quid (not bad seeing as she opened the bid at £128).

I can smell the marshmallows melting over the bonfire and when I run my tongue over the roof of my mouth I can still feel the blister the bloody boiling things left behind.

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This will always be the holiday of the much anticipated and heavily trained for inflatable race.

As time passes we’ll find the humour in the fact that the nearest town seemed to be closed up for the summer even though, at the time, tired, hungry and hot it was anything but funny.

It will always be the time my five-year-old niece decided to commandeer the bar (she called it Bea’s Bar) and learnt to make a Gin & Tonic for the first time.

One day my nieces and nephews will be grown themselves and they’ll have hazy memories of the bonfire by the river, family yoga sessions, canoeing on the Loir river and an endless summer of bread and cheese.

 

These wonderful, crazy, silly, real memories can’t be quantified in the way we so often measure success.

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The most beautiful things are not associated with money; they are memories and moments. If you don’t celebrate those, they can pass you by
— Alek Wek

And as I sit here writing this at Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris, my heart is so much fuller than it was a week ago. So I know that I did just as the tray said I should, I created something truly wonderful.

I trust this blog inspires you to do the same. Please feel free to share it with a fellow memory maker and thank you very much for reading.

Big love, Em x

How To Deal With People You Don't Really Want To Be Friends With Any More (without being a dick about it)

I’m sitting at the breakfast table in my childhood home thumbing through some old photos and wondering why the hell my Mum used to cut my hair like she hated me.

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It looks like she took a pair of scissors in each hand and, starting BEHIND my ears, hacked in a fringe until the scissors met somewhere off centre and at different heights near the middle of my forehead.

Still, lessons were learnt (like, Mum couldn’t and shouldn’t cut hair), hair grows back and nothing stays the same.

But even though I know intellectually that nothing stays the same, I can be transported back in time the moment I step foot in my childhood home.

The whispers of my past fill my ears, photos adorning every wall remind me of clothes I no longer wear (because what was I even thinking?) and the smell of Mum’s kitchen evokes memories - drinking cool lemonade on hot summer days; watching cakes rise in the oven; sitting still on the stool reserved strictly for two occasions, the first being when one too many people came over for dinner and the second for home haircuts before school started back.

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While I have been hanging out with my Dad in the house I grew up in, I have been reflecting on the past and remembering who I used to be, the friends I used to have and the interests which once held my life together.

But I’m not eight years old anymore. Or even 18. Life has forged forward and I have grown and changed in that process.

I used to collect novelty soaps (I was so cool) and now I don’t.

I used to watch Saturday morning cartoons. And now I don’t (okay, sometimes).

In fact, most of the interests I had, don’t interest me anymore.

The reality of the situation is that we are not designed to stay the same, even once we hit ‘grown up’ age. We, like the rest of nature will grow and change and as this happens we will take up new hobbies, adopt new haircuts (thank fuck) and make new friends.

Mostly, old friendships naturally run their course as we move away, change jobs, have babies, don’t have babies, find other friends and choose to collect stamps over soaps.

But every now and then, we get a stage five clinger – one of those friends who no longer shares the same values as you and although you can see the glaringly obvious, she can’t.

So how do we deal with friends we’ve outgrown?

It’s so tricky because often these friends have been with us for a long time.

Maybe you were thrown together at childhood, victims of the same fierce Primary School teacher whose hairy facial wart still haunts your dreams.

Maybe you did the awkward teenage years together, crushing on the same boys and stealing Marlborough lights from your Mum’s cigarette packet because, that’s what the cool kids did in the 90’s.

And if you did University or your early 20’s with this friend then you absolutely held each other’s hair back to vomit after too many dirty pints of cider. Good times.

And maybe none of those things applies to your friendship but regardless, once you had life in common, and now your values or boundaries or standards are different. So what do you do about that?

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You don’t want to hurt this person’s feelings, but you’d also rather stab yourself in the eye than sit in a dirty stinking bar watching her grind up against a total stranger (who did not ask for it) and then listen as she cries on your shoulder and bangs on and on about how shit her life is yet refuses to do anything about it. She brings your vibe down, exhausts your soul and frustrates you to the point of madness

 

But, you got the guilts. Because in a different season of life, you pinkie promised you’d be BFF’s forever.

So let me give to 3 pointers to set you (and your friend) free.

 

1.        Nothing lasts forever. And relationships are allowed to conclude.

Just before I flew from Melbourne to the UK to see my family, I moved house (which was fucking horrible but not the point) and in the sorting out of all my things, I came across a handbag I bought a few years ago.

At the time I LOVED everything about it.

The colour, the style, the size, that it perfectly held everything I needed from my MAC lipstick (which always stained my teeth) to my 11 travel cards (none of which ever had any money on them).

But over the years, it’s stopped serving me quite as well.

The handle came loose, I outgrew the style and there’s a hole in the lining which means I keep losing things I need like money, tampons, and keys.

Now, I loved that bag. And it was a little sad for me to realise it no longer served.

But it was cluttering up my wardrobe, and in order for me to have the space in my environment for a new bag which would keep my precious things safe, I needed to retire old faithful and so I let it go.

Now, I’m not comparing your friend to an old handbag.

But I am. Actually.

 

2.        You are not helping your old buddy by listening to her whine on about her problems. You’re enabling her. It’s like feeding an alcoholic wine. You wouldn’t do that. Yet so many of us do this very type of thing when it comes to drama.

We actively encourage our friends to stay in their problem by talking about it with them, until it reaches soap opera proportions.

Now I’m not saying don’t be a mate and ignore a friend in need. But if you’re tired of a Debbie Downer’s constant, repetitive moaning and she’s not doing anything to help herself, you’re not doing anything to help HER by buying into her shit.

Now heed this.

DO NOT offer unsolicited advice.

Ever.

It sucks balls for everyone.

You have no right to tell another person how to run their life and I am not suggesting for a second that you yell in her face “I’ve had enough of this Janet, do life like me or shut up!” but what you can do is say with love, “I value our friendship Janet and I don’t want to see you in pain and I see that this conversation is painful for you. So let’s change the subject because nothing is changing and I’m not helping by listening to the same story.”

Now, if she says “Fuck you! You don’t know what’s it’s like to be me. We’re through” well honestly, isn’t that what you wanted anyway?

Let her go with love.

Also let me just add that I am specifically talking about that person you don’t really want to be mates with anymore. Not your awesome mate who’s usually positive as hell but has just been dumped and made redundant in the same day. You mop that bitches tears up and get her some ice cream!

 

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3.       This isn’t about throwing friendships away like I threw my old bag away. You don’t need to ‘cut someone out of your life’. But you can choose not to invest as much time or energy into someone when they no longer share your values.

Answer their calls less, you don’t have to ignore them altogether but answer them when YOU have the energy to mange them.

Say no to invites to things you don’t want to do.

Hey thanks Janet but Saturday night clubbing isn’t so much my bag these days. If you’re up for a coffee next week, let me know

And don’t feel bad for asserting your standards and boundaries. What’s the worst case? Janet calls you “lame” for not wanting to do something which YOU think is lame?

 


Let go of relationships that do not serve you. That means negative people, dishonest people, people who don’t respect you, people who are overly critical and relationships that prevent you from growing. You can’t grow as a person, if you don’t have people in your life who want to grow with you.
— Preston Waters

 

Now also know this. Janet may act out a bit.

If you’re the one who has evolved and she hasn’t then, likelihood is Janet may be baffled that last month you were willing to bitch about every single person in the marketing department with her but these days, you’re not.

So show some compassion.

But ultimately, you need to be investing your time and energy in high vibe people that raise you up, encourage you in your success and will happily share details of their hairdresser with you.

If you’re looking for that community, head to my Facebook page Emily Chadbourne and give it a like and a follow, before hitting up my Facebook group That Crazy Thing Called Life for next level love and free courses. And for some next level hilarity follow me on Insta emily_thatcrazythingcalledlife

As for this blog, what did you think?

Comment below because a conversation is way more fun than a monologue, share with a mate (maybe not Janet) and subscribe here to have more delivered straight to your inbox weekly.

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Until next week, thanks very much for reading.

Big love, Em x

How To Get Over The Shit You Can't Change

I don’t believe in time. It’s a distrustful thing that boggles my mind and makes no sense in my soul. In the (almost) eight years I’ve lived in Australia, I’ve never been able to get my head around the idea of the time difference and my UK friends and family are regularly woken obnoxiously in the middle of the night by the shrill sound of an overseas ringtone. I’ve stopped apologising for it and just accept my mistake when they abruptly hang up on me having established there is no emergency other than my brain “doing an Emily”.

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So this morning it was with great delight that my eldest sister, along with my niece and nephew decided that we should spend the day in Greenwich – the actual place they make time (okay, so my sister just read this and apparently I can’t make the ‘outrageous’ statement that time is made in Greenwich. I have to say it’s measured. They MEASURE time from Greenwich – as in Greenwich Mean Time – whatever!)

By lunchtime today, the four of us were standing in the tourist hotspot looking at an underwhelming plaque, the very first clock in the history of the whole world and a line marking the start of time (again, my sister has just informed me that all of these statements are total misinterpretations on my part – although she does concede that the plaque was very underwhelming).

And because it is Britain in the summer, it is raining. And we’d brought a picnic. There’s a reason us English are fond of ironic humour. It’s the only way we stay sane (that and we love Alanis Morissette).

The rain started off a torrent of winging.

“It’s not fair”

“I’m getting wet”

“This isn’t fun anymore”

But once my niece and nephew calmed me down, I began to realise that there was nothing that could be done about the rain – as my niece pointed out “it can’t be controlled”. And she raised a great point – I could let the rain ruin my day, or (to use her language) I could be the grown up and get over it (she gets her Sass from me!).

This got me thinking about how we humans react to the things in life that can’t be controlled. How many of us worry about things that are inevitable like getting older? How many hours are wasted fretting about what other people are thinking and doing? How many people spend their lives wishing they could change the past and in doing so, deny themselves a wonderful future?

In today’s blog I’m going to share with you five ways to let go of the shit you can’t control because it’s a colossal waste of time and energy and it won’t change anything anyway. So we may as well take that time and energy and use it to heal from the past and build a freaking awesome future.

 

1.       Acknowledge and accept

Bad shit happens to everyone. And accepting that is the first step. It is impossible to go through this life and not experience death, heartbreak or loss. Nothing is permanent (not relationships, not your pet hamster, not your car, not people – the only permanent thing is impermanence) and acknowledging this will save you countless hours lamenting what has happened. Another word on this – your story is not special. It’s important, but you’re not the only one who has suffered which brings me to my second point.

 

2.       Leave your pity party. Early.

Yes, your story is important. And yes some bad shit happened. But it can’t be changed so talking about it on repeat not only makes you boring (yes Aunty Emily, we all know it’s raining. Shut Up!) it also keeps us bound to the past and so unable to invite in other people, circumstances, opportunities and experiences (manifest) which will help us move forward into the future. Leaving a pity party can be tricky because we get addicted to attention, sympathy and drama. But it really is the party that you want to be first to leave – otherwise you’ll find yourself not being invited to any others.

Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.
— C.S. Lewis

3.       What can you control? You might not be able to stop the rain, but you can whip your umbrella out.

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4.       My mate Kim once said “all disappointment in life comes from too high an expectation.” And she was right. Now I’m not saying have low standards or don’t dream big. But nothing is perfect, rain happens and shit hits the fan on a regular basis and expecting life to be without problem is just mental. Even Mary fucking Poppins had a bad day sometimes!

 

5.       What you focus on grows in this world and a little bit of gratitude goes a long way. Sure the rain might be coming down, but the rain makes the flowers grow. Sure you left your bag on the train, but at least it didn’t have your wallet in it. Sure your car broke down, but you didn’t crash. You get how it works! (also all of these things have actually happened this week to me and my sister – we’ve sung Alanis Morissetteto each other a lot). I like to use the affirmation “everything is always working out for me” to help me reframe what’s happening when it feels too ironic to bear.

 

The truth is, just like time, some things can’t be changed and the best way to move forward is the learn the lesson and make the most out of the situation.

Sometimes all you can do is draw a line, accept what is and move forward.

And so today, as I stood contemplating time with the rain coming down, I took my niece and nephew and did the only thing that could be done – we sat and ate our picnic in the rain.

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If you’re looking for an amazing community, head to my Facebook page Emily Chadbourne and give it a like. You'll also be interested to know that I have a hilarious You Tube channel full of awesome videos so go ahead and subscribe here. And for some next level hilarity follow me on Insta emily_thatcrazythingcalledlife

As for this blog, what did you think? Comment below because a conversation is way more fun than a monologue, share with a mate and subscribe here to have more delivered straight to your inbox weekly.

Thanks very much for reading. Em x