My story isn’t special.
No one’s is.
That’s not to say it isn’t important.
But no one escapes the harder parts of being a human being, just like no one escapes getting older (although Cher’s trying bless her) or paying taxes (although Willie Nelson gave it a red hot go).
But like Cher and Willie, life will always catch up to us because it knows something which we so often try to resist – that we live in a delicate balance of chaos and order.
There’s a famous dude (in the philosophical world, not like Brad Pitt famous) called Nietzsche who once said
“order comes out of chaos”
Now take from this what you will – that’s the beauty of philosophy, it means everything and nothing in the same breath.
Here’s my 2 cents worth.
Order (structure, certainty, the safety of money in your bank account, the fidelity of your partner and the trust you have in your mates) and chaos (the unknown, uncertainty, sudden financial ruin, finding out your partner cheated on you, betrayal of a friend) are equal parts of life. Like masculine & feminine, Ying & Yang, sweet & sour.
Us humans look for the order, because it makes us feel safe, right? That is of course, until it begins to feel so repetitive we feel stuck, depressed, oppressed, disconnected and dull.
Conversely, some of us live in perpetual chaos, drama after drama, anxiety that threatens to choke us, turbulent relationships, ill health, conflict and unrest.
In either case, the skill (and it is a skill and a skill can be taught) is to learn how to embrace order and chaos so that they work for us and not against us. Once we learn this structure and the mindset around this, chaos becomes adventure, vibrancy, excitement, fun and energy. From this, order is born in the shape of financial abundance, deeply connected relationships, self-worth, a job you love.
But I haven’t always thought this way. Nor have I always lived my life this way. And learning this order was indeed born from chaos.
Three years ago, I was a twat.
Harsh but a fair.
I lived in a world of chaos, unconsciously self-sabotaging myself and blaming others for my crappy results, desperately clinging to order by numbing the chaos within with wine, gossip and even more blame (seriously though, nothing was my fault).
I woke up every morning with fear in my heart, doubt in my throat and silent noise pounding in my ears.
I was missing something which I couldn’t describe and I was tired of being in the absence of it.
All I could tell you was that I was beyond dissatisfied with my life and I didn’t know how to change it (mainly because it wasn’t my fault, remember!).
Don’t get me wrong, life wasn’t all bad.
I had friends, just enough money to pay my rent (I was in total denial about the 20k worth of debt on a credit card I wasn’t paying off) and a family who loved me.
But I hadn’t expected to find myself waiting tables for $20 at the age of 33.
So how did I make this leap from being a broke, exhausted waitress to travelling the globe teaching women how to live the life of their dreams (and indeed living the life of my dreams)?
Well, it starts with my hair.
As you can see from this picture, I used to have very long hair partly because I wanted to be Jennifer Aniston and partly because I couldn’t afford to get it cut (note to self, never attempt to cut your own fridge again).
This was me on a good day – seriously this was my happy face.
It was taken in 2015 in the Melbourne restaurant I was working in just days before my (now ex) partner concluded out relationship.
Who could blame him really, if this was me on a good day you can imagine what my bad day face looked like!
Credit to him that he held in there for so long really.
It happened on a Friday morning.
Tired of my constant bitching and moaning about life and my complete reluctance to do anything about it, my ex became my ex which just served as more evidence of how fucking crap my life had become.
Now, I remember it was a Friday because the following day, close friends of ours were celebrating their upcoming marriage with a huge engagement party and my ex and I knew that news of our breaking up had the potential to overshadow the happy couple’s big day.
So we decided not to tell anyone until after the engagement party was done and dusted.
Boy did we think we were smart.
But what happens when you take one heartbroken twat and expose her to free flowing Champaign?
Me. I’m what happens.
Now, I don’t remember the exact events of the evening but I am reliably informed that the evening came to an abrupt end with me “screaming like a Banshee” in my ex’s face in the middle of the party. (Thankfully the bride to be was asleep in the bath by this time).
The next morning, I woke up drenched in shame.
And as I sat up in bed, I had a thought which changed the rest of my life.
And it was this.
“I’m gonna throw up”
With that, I jumped out of bed and bolted to the bathroom.
And in my desperation to get my face as close to the toilet bowl as possible, I flung my head in its general direction and as I did so my long Jennifer Aniston hair swung in front of my face at the exact time my mouth opened and I was sick. (Hey I never told you this was gonna be an account of fairies and unicorns; I do real life).
So here I am, 34 years old, single, broke and sitting on my bathroom floor feeling desperately ashamed.
I dragged myself upright and looked at myself in the mirror.
A woman I didn’t recognise looked back at me.
I had half a false eyelash sitting high on my left cheekbone, last night’s lipstick Joker style bleeding from my lips and my own vomit dripping from my hair.
And as I looked into the eyes of this pathetic creature, I realised I didn’t like the person I had become.
And that was the most heartbreaking moment of my life.
And then I had a thought.
Every crappy relationship I had ever had, every horrible boss I’d ever hated, every person who’d ever ‘done me wrong’ – in all of these interactions there was only one common denominator.
And that was me.
No one else.
I was the only common thread.
Now this brought with it two feelings.
The first was relief. Because if the problem was me, I could change me. I’d spend 34 years trying to change other people, wasting precious time waiting for the external world to change my internal feeling – the right partner to make me feel loved, the perfect job to give me money, the right self-help book to finally get me to give up smoking, drinking and get to the gym. And that ‘waiting for someone or something else’ game (clearly) hadn’t worked out.
The second feeling was overwhelming. Because I didn’t know how to change me. You don’t get taught that shit at school. “How to Human” isn’t a subject you can take. I took Geography and I still don’t know where fucking Spain is.
So I started looking to those who were getting results (the ones I wanted in my own life) and began accessing the greatest minds I could to find out the answer to this question.
“How can I change the way I think, act and feel so I can change my reality?”
Now, let’s be fair, that’s a pretty big fucking question and this is turning out to be a pretty long fucking post (if you’re still reading I commend you – tenacity and commitment are keys to success in every area of life) so let me summarise what I learnt in 7 key learnings.
1. I had to be the change.
As George Bernard Shaw said
“Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”
2. I had to take my resources (my time, money and energy) and invest them in ME.
I stopped wasting my time watching reality TV (because it had been much easier to judge someone else living their life than take responsibility for my own) and started watching TED talks and YouTube videos (check out and subscribe to my channel here) about how to build wealth, feel good and like myself. I stopped spending money on wine (because I thought it was easier to numb pain than feel it) or dumping cash on crap I didn’t need from KMART and invested in courses to learn about this crazy thing called life. I stopped wasting energy on people and things who dragged me down and bought into my bullshit (because misery loves company) and instead found communities full of people who supported and championed me as I chose to own my shit and change my reality.
3. I had to say yes and work out the how later.
Richard Branson taught me that one. If you worry about the how you’ll get bogged down and never make a decision. Learning to follow my soul was one of the most empowering things I ever did. Every time I listen to my soul and say yes, the universe always gives me the people, opportunities, experiences and circumstances to cover the how.
4. I had to learn about manifesting.
I really didn’t want to because I thought it was a total bunch of horseshit. I’d watched The Secret. And I thought it was a load of crap (still do to be honest). But over time I noticed patterns in successful people and mastering manifestation was one of them. Manifestation has a bad rap (see The Secret for why) and because people want the quick fix, many practitioners don’t talk about the meaty components of manifestation that really make the difference. I do.
5. I had to make it about others by making it about me.
Successful, happy people have another thing in common. They understand that to be a good leader, mother, partner, daughter, friend, boss or just a good goddamn human, they have to stop people pleasing, rescuing and sacrificing their own happiness for another’s because it only ever leads to resentment, bitterness and martyrdom. All things I was an A student in. I had to work on me and live by demonstration. Basically, self-love had to come first. It wasn’t selfish, it was a necessity.
6. I had to admit I hadn’t finished ‘growing up’ and that other people knew some shit I didn’t.
I still live by this philosophy and pride myself for introducing my clients to other practitioners and for my commitment to my own evolution and learning. I always have more to learn and more to share.
7. I had to learn about order and chaos. For real.
2017 gave me the blessing (and it is a blessing if you choose it to be) of much chaos (despite me running my own successful business by this time and thinking I had finally pulled my shit together). I lost a huge amount of money and found myself in near financial ruin. Luckily I knew enough to realise that this was attributed to some shoddy belief systems I had around money.
So I found practitioners who coached me to reset my vibrational frequency around wealth creation. This shift in mindset is how I found myself owning a 6 figure business just 5 months later – change your mindset, change what you attract and yes, it can happen that quickly and I teach this to my clients so they too can call in financial abundance and KEEP IT.
But this wasn’t where chaos stopped for me.
My darling Mum died and just a couple of months later, my partner upped and left me without warning. The nightmare of 2017 continued when just two weeks later, one of my closest friends betrayed my trust in the most unfathomable and heart wrenching way.
Chaos reigned. And old me would have drowned in it.
But thanks to everything I have learnt and more importantly implemented, I had faith that as Nietzsche promised, order would be born from the chaos as long as I was willing to execute my free will and take the action necessary not to stay in problem.
Here’s the thing I know for sure.
Life isn’t fair.
And nothing is permanent.
And sometimes, being a human is hard.
I don’t shy away from that and if you ever come across a coach who sells you the dream and doesn’t acknowledge that life is big and messy and scrappy, let me know and I’ll punch them for you (just kidding, I don’t condone violence but I am passionate about being what I call being “Unashamedly Human”).
To me, being Unashamedly Human means learning how to manifest Order (money, purpose, love) while learning the tools to navigate Chaos (heartbreak, grief, the inevitable harder bits of life).
I teach my clients that life is not a problem to solve, but a paradox to manage.
And I am the living proof (along with my clients) that you can be happy and find order in chaos.
If you’d like to learn more about that, then join me in my next FREE 5 day video course starting on March 4th 2019 in my FREE Facebook group, That Crazy Thing Called Life. JOIN HERE!
Join this growing community of women who are showing up and learning even more about how to take this one chance they’ve been given at living the life of their dreams by say YES to themselves.
I look forward to seeing you there.
Big love, Em x